Here are social psychologist Anatol Rapoport’s rules for criticizing something:

1. You should attempt to re-express your target’s position so clearly, vividly, and fairly that your target says, “Thanks, I wish I’d thought of putting it that way.”

2. You should list any points of agreement (especially if they are not matters of general or widespread agreement).

3. You should mention anything you have learned from your target.

4. Only then are you permitted to say so much as a word of rebuttal or criticism.

Via Intuition Pumps And Other Tools for Thinking, by Daniel C. Dennett. — MF

Writer and podcast producer Rose Eveleth has been interviewed on radio countless times, and she’s had to put up with interviewers who love to hear themselves talk and won’t let her speak. This article in Last Word on Nothing describes how she learned how to deal with chronic over-talkers. Her most important rule: “Start your sentence just before your partner has ended theirs. Do not wait for them to actually end their sentence. Do not let them pause and think ‘am I truly done?’ Because the answer is always no.” — MF

I want to print this chart out wallet-size, laminate it, and hand it out to all the young people in my life who are starting out in new relationships. It lists all the values and traits needed to maintain a healthy relationship, as well as examples of what that might look like. It’s a good reminder for myself too. Accountability and accepting responsibility for all of my attitudes and behaviors is not something I have mastered yet. — CD

In this short snippet from a longer interview, Esther Perel explains “Why your Partner Criticizes You.” She says behind every criticism is a wish. This does not excuse being critical toward your partner, but keeping this in mind helps me focus on what it is I’m really requesting of my partner and what he might be asking of me. Worth the 4-minute listen. — CD